How to make a Martha Flambe
You will need:
- 1 x house wife
- Loads of dollars
- Country of overfed, dollar-bloated ignorant patriots
- 1 x Bodyguard
- 5 minutes of late
- Copious amounts of arrogance
- Abundant ignorance
- 20 minutes of glitter – colour of own choice
- Just under 2000 delegates
- 30 minutes of self glorification
Preparations:
The speaker:
Mix bored housewife and Loads of dollars. Pour slowly over Country of overfed, dollar-bloated ignorant patriots and let it simmer. Dollars should start multiplying exponentionaly.
Making the Flambe
Take one auditorium.
Add delegates to taste
Let them sit for 5 minutes while you mix the speaker and bodyguard. Wait for speaker until it is ready. Slowly move speaker to front of auditorium making sure that bodyguard stays between speaker and delegates. Wait for murmur to subside.
Pour ignorance and arrogance over speaker while stirring in 30 minutes of self glorification.
(if done right about 10% of delegates should leave the auditorium. Do not worry as ignorance and arrogance will form a thick skin around speaker.
Mix in 20 minutes of glitter.
Switch of lights and use video presentation as self-glorification glazing. (another 30% percent of delegates may leave now).
Mixture should be highly flammable now and delegates should automatically start flaming the speaker.
Enjoy the roasting.
(caution – bitter taste left behind might cause other speakers to leak subtle snide remarks and comments– don’t worry as this is a natural outlet of feelings of contempt and annoyance).
So what went wrong?
I will admit this – I was secretly looking forward to seeing Martha Stewart. Not because I secretly love scrapbooking or jailhouse rocking but because I wanted to know how this ordinary woman made a fortune selling nonsense that anyone can find for free on the internet or at the local library.
She blew it and prompted probably the first mass walk-out ever at the Design Indaba. She can also add to her list of credits probably the first ever subject of a Twitcom.
I am not going to re-invent the wheel and will leave you with this excerpt from Louise Marsland’s page at Bizcommunity.
“
Delivering a presentation more suited to the Krugersdorp Vrouefederasie or the Belville Housewives Scrapbooking Circle, she managed to inspire a mass walkout in both auditoriums - practically unheard of in the history of Design Indaba, which is the industry's premier conference and expo showcase in the creative industries and an inspiration destination annually.
And so we get another twiord (twitter word): she was ‘twitter slapped' (twitapped?) by the twitterverse. Twerrible.
The complaints centred around that fact that she used her presentation as a sales pitch (given how she is about to launch her ‘Martha Stewart's Cupcakes' in South Africa) and spoke to these highly creative and key delegates with a lack of awareness that was astounding. With the likes of local agency heads and creative directors and world-renowned designers and architects in the audience, you don't talk about doing ‘glitter by numbers' pictures and show 29 pictures of yourself holding various farm life (unless that's part of your creative installation!). The laughter was cringe worthy indeed. The result was a walkout.”
Read the whole article here
people gathered around the twitterfeed reading the twitcom
Some of the tweets:- Stewart doesn't get irony. Maybe if we used glitter highlights? Oooooh, what's next? EDIBLE GLITTER!! o bad, I can't leave...
- Apparently Stewart's hashtag went from being Design orientated to the world 1st twitter comedy!
- Seems bloggers are crazy about glitter - Martha. Lots of giggles.
- listening to martha talk about her new paint line is as exciting as watching it dry!
- smother me with a Stenciled Hawaiian Flower Cushion
- Strangle me with some Merry Vintage Linens
And my favourite! (the fingerprint scan entrance system didn’t work half the time so people were late trying to get in)
AmandaSevast:i can't believe Martha Stewart is late. Would think she's used to having her fingerprints taken by now.
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